Chosen Family

Our Wellbeing Practitioner, Eleanor, celebrates the people we choose to keep close…

We’ve all heard the saying that “blood is thicker than water”, highlighting the strength of biological ties and sometimes being used to explain why people persevere with otherwise challenging relationships. It has also been used to encourage people who are struggling with those relationships to “get over it” – the implication being that whatever the relative has done, their behaviour should be excused because you share a family tree.

The notion of “chosen family” has been around for a while. One example of this is Godparents, who may not be blood related, but agree to share responsibility for the child’s spiritual life and wellbeing. Another example is the “auntie” – who’s usually a close family friend, and for much of a person’s childhood, is treated as part of the family. So, does family need to rely on blood and genetics? As children, we accept people as family because they’re there, not necessarily because we understand they’re blood related.

In recent years, people have become more educated about trauma bonds, cycles of abuse and toxic behaviour. People are recognising that being related doesn’t mean you have to allow people to treat you poorly; for example, it has become more common for members of the LGBTQ+ community to surround themselves with their chosen families, and the term itself is often associated with this community. Seeking companionship and community, people are creating their own families; choosing people who align with their morals, their world view, and supporting them the way they deserve to be supported.

There is beauty in the power someone takes when they say, “I won’t accept this treatment”. The strength it takes for someone to assert boundaries in this way is brave and courageous. To recognise they deserve a peaceful and happy life and take steps towards that is something that should be admired and supported.

In writing this blog, I hope to shine a light on the different forms families are starting to take, while still recognising the strength of biological family. I hope to show that biology isn’t the only kind of family – our chosen family can be just as important and loved.

We strive to create peaceful communities at Leeds Sanctuary. We may not be a family (not even a chosen one) but we are a community, and there is always a place for a new member. If you’d like to get involved and join one of our communities, please see the events page linked below.